How To Win Friends And Influence People

Life, business, failure, and success, it is all a story, the story of who and what we are and how we ought to be.

The lesson part comes at the end, so don't rush off too hastily. First, a little vignette to illustrate the point of how, and how not, to be in business and in life. Now meet my dearly beloved friend, the late Matthew, who knew the rules of the game, and a certain young lady of his acquaintance, who quite clearly didn't.

"I have a fine bottle of Galician wine and a beautiful stray cat on my patio, Liam. Would you care to take a sip?" Matthew softly breathed, as we wearily sauntered our way down the old cobbled Spanish street. You do know, by the way, Liam, I don't play for the other team." He said a little defensively. 

"Whiskey makes me frisky, wine makes me fine, as for beer, I never touch the stuff." he chortled to himself as much as to me.

I understood perfectly well what it was he was trying to say. I never had any insecurities about Matthew's sexual orientation. I felt safe and secure in his wonderful company. If ever there was a man I loved it was Matthew. I lost any homophobia I may have had decades before when my gay brother happened to mention that 32 members of our extended family were gay.

Matthew was a very special friend. He was a highly intelligent man. He spoke Russian, Spanish, French and lord only knows what other languages. And since Matthew was a highly in-demand Wall Street translator, in various languages, he did quite well in life.

He was also an artist whose greatest work of art was himself. And whatever he did, he did so effortlessly. I could only stand in awe at his easy demeanour and utterly charming manners.

He could sweep any woman he liked off her feet in an instant. He made me feel like an uncouth brute in comparison, not because I am, but because he was just so suave in his manners and overall behaviour towards everybody.

I treasure quite a few lovely memories of Matthew. Some of his tales were quite sad, such as the story of him living in Africa and being dumped by a beautiful local woman he was madly in love with.

Another story involved him being unwittingly duped into being a camel on a trip across the English Channel. Years later this had haunted him to the point that, as a way of repentance, he made a significant donation to a local convent.

And then there was the time I had a large group of local gipsies in my piano bar well into the wee small hours. It was a lovely experience with everybody just sat on the floor doing improvised flamenco singing.

Then Matthew, a little the worse for wear on real Russian vodka and white wine, decided to pitch in with a harrowing tale of a man who had lost his beloved, braying donkey on his way to market, somewhat begrudgingly, to sell it.

What Matthew did was a very funny, yet very sincerely delivered flamenco parody. I thought it was hilarious. Unfortunately, the local gipsies were highly offended and asked him to stop. Well, that is to put it perhaps a little over-polite. They threatened to beat the living daylights out of him if he didn't stop, immediately. Matthew stopped.

One of my favourite stories occurred during the time that I knew Mathew. One day a pretty blond flounced into my piano bar and made a bee-line for Matthew. And Matthew being how he was, a perfect gentleman, gently kissed the back of her hand by way of a greeting.

Within a very short time, Matthew was courting the lady in question. However, it soon became clear that this not-that-young-a female was a bit of a player. Matthew had invited her out to a few quite expensive meals at one of the best restaurants in town. Eventually, Mathew suggested that with the next meal, she would perhaps like to go Dutch. That was when she showed her true colours.

"Ooooh…….well, I'm a very traditional girl at heart and I do believe that a true gentleman such as yourself should do the honourable thing and pay all for at least the first six months, don't you think?"

That response was a wake-up call for Matthew. This was a well-to-do, apparently well-bred, upper-middle-class, independent madam who was clearly taking the Mick as we say. However, being the perfect gentleman that he was, Matt very carefully planned a suitable response far, far gentler than she deserved. Matthew agreed to invite her out for yet another meal at his expense and her eyes lit up.

On the evening of the date, Matthew met the lady in question at the bottom end of town. She was positively gleeful of seeing Matt. Enthusiastically she asked…..

"So, where are we going for our night of fine dining tonight kind sir?"

"Well, you being a stickler for tradition young lady, I have a wonderful surprise for you," Matthew said with glee.

"Tonight, as was the tradition for a handsome courting couple like us, I do believe, we are going to……."

Matthew paused a moment to savour her anticipation, which was sure to be followed by un-redeemable disappointment.

"…..we are going to slowly amble up the street, the most handsome couple in town, holding hands, oh how traditionally romantic, sucking a traditional ice cream. Oh what joy darling, I can hardly wait. That will be our evening meal. Is it not delightful? I have been so looking forward to it all day long. Come, let us go to it, darling!"

The lady's face was a picture to behold. Let's just say she was not impressed. However, Matthew pretended not to notice her all too obvious disappointment and grabbed her by the hand, not so gently as he normally would, and marched her over to the ice cream kiosk for a one-euro ice cream. Needless to say, the date only lasted as long as it took to consume the ice cream.

Matthew took great delight in telling me this little story. And such was his triumphant glee in the telling of it, it was a joy for me to hear.

Sadly, not too long after I lost my mother, Matthew also passed away. I miss him a lot. But I will always treasure the many great times that we had. And as was the case with Matthew, beer, I never touch the stuff.

I do believe that there is an awful lot to be learnt from this little vignette about Matthew. The way to get on in life, and in business, is to conduct it with a sense of decency, good intentions and exemplary manners.

I also believe in reciprocity and its undoubted benefits to all concerned. Sadly some people just don't get it, usually more to their own cost rather than that of others.

The way to win friends and influence people is to approach everybody with the mindset of asking what you can do for them and not what they can do for you.

Professional salespeople always start the contact with something like "Hello, what can I do for you, sir/madam?" After that you have to do more than meet expectations, indeed you have to exceed what is expected. If you always overdeliver you won’t go far wrong. Try to give in abundance more than you receive, do that and the world is your oyster.

I have always tried to hold to those principles and usually, it works out fine. Yes, I have had my fingers burnt a time or two. However, overall I see this way as having been a resounding success.

One more tip is that you should always try to engage meaningfully with the other person. Actively listen and respond thoughtfully. If you make a meaningful, selfless connection you will end up with more friends and influence than you could ever wish for.