A Ray of Hope in The Darkest Hour

It was a warm Tokyo morning. The temperature had already passed 30C (85F), and it wasn’t even 8 am yet. I noticed a man in his 30s wandering aimlessly. As I got nearer, I could see that he was crying. I overheard him say to himself, why did I choose such a horrible Japanese wife? Why did I choose this life? I wished there was something I could do to comfort him, but I knew that no matter what I said everything was not going to be alright.

Honestly, I knew exactly how he felt. I am in the final stages of my own misguided marriage. My relationship wreaked havoc on my sanity and confidence. My ex-wife made me feel like a second-class citizen who could do no right. My only value, it appeared, was the ability to bring home a paycheck from which I was provided a pittance of an allowance. Just enough to buy a meal now and then, or a couple of cheap brews on the way home. I dreaded vacations and being at home every day in that negative situation. Everything was definitely not alright.

Then something changed. I looked in the mirror and decided I needed a better life than I was living. I was a person of value, not somebody’s doormat. I made a plan to get out.

It took several months of saving from part-time jobs and putting my minuscule allowance aside. Still, I eventually saved up enough to escape. I made my plan. Organized my necessary belongings and a few treasures. On the day the mover arrived, I was ready and out in less than an hour.

From there, I started building a new life. I began working on projects that fulfilled me, like writing on Medium. I looked for ways to become the amazing person I knew was inside. That included writing a book and starting a coaching business. Just short of five years later, the vapour trail of that abusive relationship is a near-distant memory.

There were some huge sacrifices to make along the way. For example, I’ve lost touch and influence with my daughter who turns 22 this year. Initially, my lifestyle was worse than when I had a superficial family. I was on a very tight budget to ensure that the woman and my daughter were inconvenienced as little as possible from my absence. At least I was controlling the money and how it was distributed.

I have also spent a lot of time soul-searching why I chose such a partner. How to prevent this from happening again? That was the question. I thought long and hard about the future: What kind of person do I want to be? What was I supposed to learn from this situation? How can I use this experience to help others?

The first important lesson I learned is to look in the mirror and tell myself I am good enough. There will be many many people who try to put you down as a way to feel better about themselves. Don’t accept that. Look in the mirror every day and say, “I’m a winner, regardless of what others say or think about me.”

When you are ready to step out, get around the right kind of people. Avoid individuals who are always complaining. Stay away from those who feel better about themselves by putting others down. Spend time with friends who are genuinely happy for you when something good happens. Those are the kinds of people you can share your challenges with, knowing they will help you rather than judge you. You don’t have to go it alone. Close friends, a trusted advisor or professional coach, a counsellor or mental health professional — any one of these people, or a combination of them, could be the one(s) that helps you regain confidence and your feeling of self-worth.

You are the miracle of birth! Your life is a gift to the planet, consider what you can do to make contributions, no matter how small. The things you do to make the world a better place, create a sense of value inside you. They help you to reinforce the idea that you have a purpose. Those feelings enhance your self-esteem.

Be accountable. You are the only person that can change your life. If you don’t like the situation you are in, and have done all you can to improve it, or after some time become aware of the red flags, it is up to you to make a change. You are responsible for and to yourself, first and foremost. If your situation makes you feel inadequate, it is time to make changes.

It’s not easy to make life-altering decisions. Yet, these are crucial to you becoming a better version of yourself. Don’t let that person in the mirror down again. They have been waiting for you to wake from your stupor.

If you have been abused or harassed in your relationship, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, there are organizations out there to help you. Look them up and make the call. Likewise, when your mental health takes a beating, it is not uncommon to require some professional assistance. Do not be afraid to contact mental health experts to help uncover how to get on the right path. Your local suicide prevention hotline is often a good place to start. They have resources to help with recovery from life’s darkest depths.

Everyone has problems. As a result, know that you don’t have to go it alone. It is not uncommon for a beacon of hope to enter our lives at our darkest and most difficult times. These people help to pull the 500kg (1000 pound) weight off our backs and aid our ability to take steps in the right direction before vaporizing from our lives. If you have one of these angels in your life, lean on them. Let them show you the way.

Before I decided to move out, my ex locked me out and told me not to come home on more than one occasion. I wandered the streets aimlessly those nights, wondering what kind of life I’d built, how I was going to survive to old age, and what kind of miserable life I was going to endure until the end of time. I asked why I had chosen such a horrible Japanese wife. I saw a friend in the convenience store and wept as I told him my story.

Today, I feel I’ve achieved some success because I chose to do something drastically different. Instead of finding my value in what that woman and others said about me, I decided to create value in my life on my own, worrying less about what others said and more about living by my values, achieving my goals, and enjoying each and every day. If I can do it, so can you. You just have to walk down a different street.

This week's guest is the inspirational writer John Cunningham, an Illumination Senior Editor on Medium. You can read more of John's content by following the link below.

 https://medium.com/@john-cunningham·